Sex, Trust and Jealousy

Trust and jealousy are major hurdles for many in sexual or romantic relationships. We might even think about this as hinging on the most fundamentally human existential fulcrum: to trust and love, and thereby open ourselves to the vulnerability of being hurt, or to be alone and consequently feel empty and meaningless.

Anyone can see the answer is to find meaningful relationships - after all, humans are social beings: a person cannot be understood outside their relationships, society and culture. However, this is often easier said than done. Even without a sexual or romantic component, the notion of a mask as part of personality is (nearly) ubiquitous across personality theories - we all have a way we want to present or hide ourselves which puts a moat between us and others. It gets in the way of maximizing closeness and thereby meaning in relationships. This moat is natural - not having a boundary is also concerning including trusting blindly. As a therapist, we see a continuum ranging from folks who need to idealize the therapy relationship, quickly stating "no one else understands me, you are great, I wish we could be friends outside of therapy," to the person who still keeps us at arm's length after many sessions.

So how do we manage this moat? The guard can't just drop the drawbridge for every passerby, but we also inflict our own self-imprisonment of the drawbridge permanently remains shut. The problem worsens as hiding ourselves reiterates the underlying belief that things behind the castle wall aren't acceptable to the outside world, or that the outside world is too dangerous to let in (each time we avoid, we reinforce avoidance with a sigh of relief, "phew, I feel less anxious now.")

This barrier must be semi-permeable. It must be able to open and close. We need to find a way to be vulnerable enough to let people in, to know us, accept us, and love us. But then we risk hurt - they could reject or judge us, or they could die or leave us. Consequently, love requires acceptance of pain.

I've never known a greater pain than love with the fear of loss.

Like this blog? Show us your appreciation! Review us on Google, Please

Trust and Jealousy

Where does distrust come from? It could be a history of hurt and reasons to distrust, including observing this in other relationships (such as parental infidelity during our childhood). Some may argue it may be, to a degree, a natural disposition. Another factor could be the person we are deciding whether to trust. This is akin to the notion of countertransference - we must always ask "what portion of this feeling comes from my past and what portion comes from the other person?"

The problem is that is our social lives, we tend to overlook our role in our feelings. If we feel distrustful and jealous, we might assume it is mostly influenced by the other person or that they should change their behavior. The risk is that this, left unchecked, can turn into a controlling relationship. I'd venture to bet you've all heard or experienced relationships in which one partner says to the other that they cannot maintain a certain friendship or spend time with a certain person, such as a coworker because they don't trust that there won't be infidelity - in other words, there is jealousy.

I'll invite in one of the most common colloquialisms from therapy: I statements. What is missing in the above conversation is "I feel jealous" rather than "you must change..." It is not usually that the partner or their outside relationships are doing anything wrong, but rather a feeling. This opens the door to exploring where this came from including the past of the person experiencing the jealousy. This requires vulnerability and can at times bring increased closeness rather than control that typically pushes healthy people away (in other words, a self-fulfilling prophecy). If we use "I" and "feeling" language, it builds empathy and understanding - the partner may be willing to change some of their behavior that might trigger jealousy, with the caveat I would not discourage someone from maintaining a meaningful friendship, but behavior within that friendship can sometimes be altered. Additionally, this also opens the door for the couple or partners to explore whether the person experiencing jealousy or distrust would benefit from psychotherapy to improve their sense of security and build more trusting, and consequently meaningful relationships.

Perspectives on the topic from literature

Early writing on jealousy from a psychoanalytic standpoint conceptualized it as latent attraction to the same sex - a husband jealous of a male friend of his wife is actually attracted to that male friend (or other men). More contemporary thought influenced by Interpersonal dynamic theory disagrees and conceptualizes jealousy as a wish for chums (to borrow Harry Stack Sullivan's terminology): if man who is jealous if his wife's male friend wants more male friends, or to be friends with him.

As someone influenced by self-psychology (as well as generally relational dynamic therapy), my natural inclination is to see esteem or narcissistic needs at the bedrock of jealousy. If we see ourselves as inadequate and compare to others, others can be idealized, which is attractive. If this person becomes, in our depleted esteem mind (a self-part possibly), idealized and more attractive than our self, why wouldn't our partner also agree? In other words, jealousy would indicate treatment for esteem related concerns, which (narcissism) also tends to influence our own phantasized or acted upon infidelity. Consequently, jealousy can also hinge on a projective mechanism: if we have actually and phantasized infidelity to build up our esteem - to create an idealized mask - then we might assume others including our partner would also have this phantasy or narcissistic behavior.

This projection turns into projective identification when we act it out to explicitly (or blindly) that our partner takes on the role projected onto them. The controlling and distrustful partner eventually pushes the other away who finds another lover (before or after breaking off this relationship), confirming the belief and pattern. The projector is the victim, and their partner is the untrustworthy persecutor.

Structural Analysis of Social Behavior (SASB)

You can see how trust and jealousy map onto the SASB model of social behavior, an interpersonal model. The vertical axis is autonomy, ranging from differentiated (top) to enmeshed (bottom) and the horizontal is affiliation, ranging from aggressive (left) to affectionate (right). We can consider the role esteem plays in autonomy: in order to protect against narcissistic wounds, one may become controlling or avoidant/isolative (schizoid defense). The projected infidelity results in aggressive counter-responses including blaming and controlling (or, in the more depleted or schizoid coping strategy, to wall-off or separate). The internal responses could include sadness (sulking) and blaming self ("see, I am not good enough for someone to love me.")

A common sense perspective

If we stop and take a common sense perspective, control is response to jealousy obviously makes no sense. If our partner is going to engage in infidelity, they will do it or leave us almost regardless of any attempts to thwart that action, and any such attempts would only serve to fuel that behavior: it pushes them away, hurts the relationship, and never makes anyone more attractive. If we distrust our partner, why do we want to be with them in the first place? And if it isn't about our partner, but a pervasive phenomenon in our own psychology, then why put it on the other person?

In other words, despite my focus on interpersonal, jealousy isn't really interpersonal - it is personal and grist for the mill of one's own therapy:

• "Why do I tend to have a controlling reaction to insecurity?"

• "Why do I stay with someone I don't trust?"

• "Why am I distrustful, jealous and/or insecure?"