20's to 30's transitional age

Social sciences have defined and explore various transitional ages - times when we have developmental or societal hurdles. I believe we overlook the transition to our 30's.

Seemingly overnight, Pittsburgh went from the fastest aging city to the most rapidly growing young population. I'm not sure if this trend has continued, but I was working at Carnegie Mellon University's (CMU) Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) at the time. Rewind about 5 years prior, and Pittsburgh hosted President Obama at the G20 Summit, and much blight had been polished. Since then, tech industry built hubs in Pittsburgh - Facebook and Google were in Market Square. CMU' students were no long only dreaming of landing a job Palo Alto, but right down the road to high-end loft-style apartments with a dorm-like social vibe.

Speed ahead to 2019, when I made the decision to go full-time into private practice, not surprisingly, the lion's share of my clientele were late 20's to early 30's young adult, early professionals. COVID threw a curve ball in these individual's lives - many of them had recently moved or were otherwise in a life transition such as starting their career, trying to find a partner and thinking about family planning, and adjusting from a college-style social life (AKA, beer comprising their primary caloric intake) to that of an adult.

A sense of isolation shaped a shadow of depression for many of these individuals. Even without COVID, these people would be going threw a significant transition. Living with friends, drinking more than is healthy long-term, no longer being able to bounce back from this behavior like they once could, wanting to focus on work and their future, but fearing these changes at the same time. There was grief for this former stage. Some of their friends were already married, maybe with kids or one on the way, and with solid footing in their career. Other friends seemingly missed the memo that they left college - they were still at the bar every night and sleeping in everyday.

I found my clients were afraid of leaving the past - if I'm not still part of the partying culture, am I lost? But if I'm not married, confident at work and with kids on the way, where am I heading? The two are often incompatible, so what should someone invest themselves into?

A tricky thing is that we never know when we will find our life partner. Often, these transitional age folk feel like it won't happen for them. Sure enough, within the next couple years of our work, they are married with kids! Each failed relationship is one step closer to the right one - we learn more about ourselves, how to conduct ourselves in relationships, what we want from someone, and what red flags we should be attending to (because, face it, we all have bling spots). But in the moment, each breakup feels like we are left in the dust. It seems obvious from the 3rd person perspective, that you simply can't know who will walk into your life, what they will look life and what that future will bring, but that lack of knowing breeds uncertainty and a vacuum the precipitates all of our anxieties. Anxieties of being alone, sad, and left behind by our peers. How do we tolerate this uncertainty and hold out faith - not at all in a specifically religious sense - for our future?

Those who navigate this most successfully seem to find intuition regarding their social life. How much does it feel right to drink? How late does it feel right to stay out? Do I feel better physically and about myself when I moderate, and get out early in the morning for new, healthy, and social pastimes? Then we find like-minded people who could end up being our life-partner. If we don't put ourselves in the places where we might find an ideal partner, we might miss the opportunity. If you want to find a partner who is a good drinking buddy, by all means, don't miss happy hour, but if you want a partner that enjoys adventuring, maybe get yourself out on the trails. Join a neighborhood jogging club.

While we don't have a crystal ball to see our future and thereby extinguish our anxiety of the uncertainty of the future, we can actively create it in the actions we take today. Live today like we want to live in the future.